Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Think I especially need a pensieve now. Some memories are better gone from my head.
Sometimes it's a blessing to forget don't you agree. Not remembering everything. starting everyday fresh. selectively choosing what to remember. It's a pain to remember everything. Had a rough night ytd. Couldn't sleep. Was lying on my bed staring at the ceiling and believing that I'm asleep when I really am not. Woke up earlier than usual this morning as well. Couldn't bring myself to sleep any longer. Mind started to wander and thought about things.
I've realised all my life till now, no matter how much I want to deny it, I have been running away. Away from problems that overwhelm me, away from people that intimidates me, away from things that irritates me. I realised I am too idealistic. Too dreamy. Held too much hope. Understood too little. Too immature. Insecure, non-confident, distraught, depressed, delluding myself on the possibilities of miracles, no matter how small the chances are and unable to fully comprehend the reality around me. I realise I never ever fought for what I wanted. I alw gave in to chance. I thought I'm so good at predicting things but it's probably just how well I am at arriving at the most probable conclusion without even trying it first. I do not understand myself. I don't understand my actions. I can't even comprehend what I'm trying to do. What my intentions are. So blurred, too idealistic. Away from reality. So when I do wake up from my dream world, now reality finally caught up on me.
I'm out of breath I can't run away any longer. I guess it's good time to grow up. People often say the darkest hour is when it's the deepest night. I think the darkest hour is when you finally wake up after the deepest night.
i was with you @ 7:48 am
