Tuesday, July 21, 2009
i'm writing this just because I like e no. 197 instead of 196. lol.
After cooling off in the guardrest today i definitely felt a little better. of course not without a price.... oh well. nothing more to say. i'm lucky i din need to do much today. i initially thought i'll be too distracted to do any constructive work today anw. luckily i dun have any work today. allowed me more time to just sit down and stone. stare into e blank space.
i tink after this i'm closing down this blog. i'll create another. this blog's getting too.... filled with memories I'll rather forget. I'll just dump this last piece of memory here as well. let it get buried in the sands of time. thus allowing me to move on.
forward!
i was with you @ 3:56 pm
Think I especially need a pensieve now. Some memories are better gone from my head.
Sometimes it's a blessing to forget don't you agree. Not remembering everything. starting everyday fresh. selectively choosing what to remember. It's a pain to remember everything. Had a rough night ytd. Couldn't sleep. Was lying on my bed staring at the ceiling and believing that I'm asleep when I really am not. Woke up earlier than usual this morning as well. Couldn't bring myself to sleep any longer. Mind started to wander and thought about things.
I've realised all my life till now, no matter how much I want to deny it, I have been running away. Away from problems that overwhelm me, away from people that intimidates me, away from things that irritates me. I realised I am too idealistic. Too dreamy. Held too much hope. Understood too little. Too immature. Insecure, non-confident, distraught, depressed, delluding myself on the possibilities of miracles, no matter how small the chances are and unable to fully comprehend the reality around me. I realise I never ever fought for what I wanted. I alw gave in to chance. I thought I'm so good at predicting things but it's probably just how well I am at arriving at the most probable conclusion without even trying it first. I do not understand myself. I don't understand my actions. I can't even comprehend what I'm trying to do. What my intentions are. So blurred, too idealistic. Away from reality. So when I do wake up from my dream world, now reality finally caught up on me.
I'm out of breath I can't run away any longer. I guess it's good time to grow up. People often say the darkest hour is when it's the deepest night. I think the darkest hour is when you finally wake up after the deepest night.
i was with you @ 7:48 am
Monday, July 20, 2009
ages since the last post. apparently this is a repository for all my bad feelings. and i haven't had much in the past few months i guess.
watched harry potter ytd. not bad. good graphics and nice soundtrack. a little short on e plot tho...
that's all for now. Not really in e correct mood to write much.
i was with you @ 10:00 pm
Thursday, April 09, 2009
A study on how we are always unable to see our own mistakes
This is the feeling I had yesterday when we finally told someone about how much we dislike the attitude and performance of another individual. In essence, the person in question is my colleague, and had been giving quite a lot of trouble to us, with poor work attitude and disrespect to individuals, coupled with cockiness and indulgence in privileges given to him. Ok I'm not making much sense there but anyway, he has been quite a trouble. We haven't been able to talk to him because he's rather haughty and not exactly receptive towards others' opinions, which really piss me off. Throughout our conversation while we emptied our unhappiness and concerns, I realised sometimes when we are critical of another person's mistakes, we somewhat forget about our own faults, just like what my friends and I did.
It's interesting how humans work. While we can cooperate for the benefit of all, it's normal for us to bring down someone who deviates out of the norm, our norm, and even while the group might be making certain similar mistakes as that that the individual makes, in pushing him out of the group, or alienating him, we tend to make it seem as if the certain mistake is only bad in his case, and not ours.
Indeed we're not being very fair.
i was with you @ 10:00 pm
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Feeling a gust of old feelings welling up in my chest.
Perhaps I'm just tired. I can't help but feel as though something is welling up in me. I can't explain it, neither can I deny it. And the feelings' so strong it overwhelms me. The past seems to be coming back to me again and again. Like an old friend. Not that I dislike it. But I just don't understand why I keep feeling the same way whenever I remember them. It's been quite long. Supposedly so distant. And yet it lingers near, nearer than even the thought of yesterday.
What's past I'll have to let go. I can't hold on to them forever. They'll be in memory. A distant one. Packed and stored. Shouldn't be left in active thoughts. It should be a thing of the past. Not the present. Not the future. Stop littering my future with thoughts of the past.
Stop messing with my thoughts.
Perhaps I'm really tired. Just really tired.
i was with you @ 10:52 pm
Sunday, January 25, 2009
CNY EVE!!!
wow this is fast. I still vividly remember last yr booking out for cny. and meeting the class, and Mr Tan! haha and now I'm alr one yr into NS, and finishing soon!!! It has been a great yr hasn't it? Though all the disappointment and all the unhappiness, I still made it through yes? That's the most important thing.
I still miss gg to school... or being part of an education institution where I'm able to learn and absorb. No worries about what is going on and just enjoy the moment. I really hope to get back on track to studying, to intellectual discussions and exchanges. Not that I don't have any now but just a school environment would be very much different from anything.
Hope the year ahead is filled with happiness and great gains!!! It'll mark the end of my NS, and the start of many new things. I hope the new year will be fruitful, both emotionally and intellectually.
I hope to live a fruitful life this year, and that'll be enough for me. I shall not wish for more, or the more disappointment I'll feel when it all comes to naught.
i was with you @ 5:36 pm
Thursday, January 22, 2009
20!
i'm 20 le wow. this is amazing. 20 yrs in tis world le haha. don't u think life itself is a miracle.... out of so many permutation during fertilisation it must be you who is born. Ain't it just great... and woo-hoo i'm alr 20!!!
Anw thanks to all who sent me their well wishes. And those who din nvm now u noe i expect something nxt yr... :P haha.
It's gg to be cny soon! SO FAST!!!
i was with you @ 5:33 pm
Monday, December 08, 2008
step away.
sometimes i wonder if alternate universe exist. and what i would be like in that universe. Sometimes I just like to step away, to take a break perhaps, more to take some time to myself I guess. A new start, I guess, from something I'd already deemed myself unlikely to attain.
Or perhaps I'd always stepped away so conveniently, I hadn't known what I'd be if I continued what I've been doing.
Fade off. Only to let your silhouette stay in this moonless night.
i was with you @ 5:09 pm
